I've overall been feeling a lot better about myself lately, BUT today I was walking by some neighbors, and when I told them my parents and I are moving, they asked me how old I was... I said 27, they said "wow, we would have guessed 19 like tops" yeah sounds about right.

Just having undiagnosed Terminal Baby-Face Syndrome, and also having to tell these people "yeah I'm 27 but I still with my parents" UGHHHHH it's EXCRUCIATING! I need to start fucking lying and tell people who I don't see that much that I'm like 22 instead. Save me the fucking expressions I see every time.

I think I'm moving with my parents to the Bay Area in California. If I were to do this two months ago, my ego would have been CRUSHED. But because I passed my Drivers test and got my license, my dad got me my first car and encouraged me to get it fixed up, get insurance for it. I've been working on my resumes and applying for jobs (with no response BUT.)-- I've just been feeling a lot better about myself. I never realized how much my self esteem has been suffering these last handful of years, and I can tell I feel LIGHTER now!

So hopefully the Bay Area works out, at least for a little bit. I'd still like to move out, and I need to save for that, but this will be fun exploring with Cloud for a handful of months.

Well. I'm writing this in 2025. I almost have my own Bridget Tice monologue: I'm 27 and I'm still living with my parents. My "higher education" is a GED. Luckily my dog is not dead. I drive a recently-bought 2005 Toyota Highlander (that I actually very much love). I have sciatica. I want to be a man. And I am very much still a virgin, I've never even kissed someone.

Technically in Generation Z, but I'm the youngest of *counts my fingers* 8 kids and my older siblings are all Millennials, two of them even reaching for Gen X. I definitely relate more to Millenial-associated childhood experiences— TV shows, music, toys. So comparing myself to all my siblings, "late bloomer" is an understatement. I practically suffer from failure-to-launch syndrome In my defence, most of my siblings moved out while getting married… against my defence, I haven’t gotten married yet. Which, I don’t even want! I don’t want to move out to get hitched, rather the opposite: I want to move out to be independent.

So this is my story, I’m finally writing it. Hold my hand (because I need it ) as I finally step forward into life.

Sciatica is when you experience pain or other irritation on the sciatic nerve location throughout the leg, from the pelvic bone down to the heel. It has absolutely ruled my life for over 10 years, but I'm finally on the road to recovery which I'll get to last.

The start:

So, usually sciatica is instigated by an injury, and I assume a lot of people can pinpoint a specific event that brought it on. I cannot. I definitely have scoliosis, which I blame on carrying a heavy high-school backpack on one shoulder because I thought it looked less nerdy (IF YOU'RE IN SCHOOL, WEAR IT ON BOTH SHOULDERS, SAVE YOURSELF). But other than that, the earliest time I can remember this type of pain is when... I was sitting in a chair while hugging my knees LOL. That's literally where I feel all this began. I was sitting, and suddenly (during a conversation) I yell YAAOOOWW because my tailbone shot with pain. And I remember not realizing how bad that was, because I slept on my back that night (which puts pressure on my bum and tailbone) and when I woke up in the morning, I remember the pain in my backside left me breathless. That was the first time I had ever teared up from pain alone...

Various Troubles:

I have to be very careful about how and where I sit. Sitting on the floor is like, a death sentence. That will put me out of commissions for weeks! And there are certain couches I avoid sitting on because I know I'll have a certain posture sitting on them, which will effect my back and therefore my legs.

Sometimes I have to inch around with a cane, which yeah sucks but my cane is made of old twisted wood so I feel like a little wizard, a silver lining, obviously.

I often can't play with my dog, and when I walk him, we walk much slower. Thank god he's overall learned to heel by me, but sometimes he'll jerk to the side to smell a bush, and that always hurts!

I often just ugly cry. It's usually when I feel a shot of pain, or I can't move, and I just let it all out. It helps relieve the pain (or so I tell myself). But it definitely also comes from feeling like "is this gonna be my life forever?" it's very isolating and hopeless and lonely and defeating!

Sleeping:

Any sleeping position is awful, even ones recommended by chiropractors. I scoffed when one recommended I sleep on the side of the leg in pain, that's a death sentence for me! I usually have to sleep on my stomach, big pillows underneath me, and then a stiff neck-pillow to lift my face up from the mattress so I can breath without turning my neck. And I can only do this on the couch where I can remove one of the cushions so there's no pressure on my knees. Needless to say I look insane.

And of course when I wake up, my torso is stiff as FUCK from the pillows pressed up against me. But I'd rather take stiffness over sciatic pain!

I've always said that the shot in Return of the Jedi where Luke is floating in the bacta tank, because he's just floating with no pressure in any direct area, I always look at that shot longingly and think "god I wish that were me" LMAO. Move over El, I'll sleep in Nina if you are too chicken to do it.

Recovery!

Thankfully, the last handful of months I have been doing way better. Not perfect because technically I still have scoliosis, the cause of my sciatica, but I can actually live life now.

At first, I would do stretching routines, and that helped out a lot... at first. It felt like, the more my body got used to stretching over the weeks to months, the less the routines helped. And maybe that was my fault, maybe I gradually started stretching too far, I don't think you're supposed to do that. But every once in a while I will do these routines for instant relief if I feel like I don't need ibuprofen.

Speaking of, ibuprofen! My dumb ass didn't realize there was a difference between pain medications are and are not anti-inflammatory. So I would always take acetaminophen and feel like it didn't help that much. Then, during a pain episode, I took 1 800mg ibuprofen and it felt like a hex got dispelled, after a few minutes the pain was suddenly gone! It was crazy. I have learned my lesson.

But the main thing that helped me out more than anything is diet. I had no idea diet was contributing so much to the inflammation of my sciatica. Now, I eat a lot more meat (salmon, crispy chicken, turkey bacon, turkey lunch meat, beef patties, steak) and really lay off the junk food. I would have assumed bread would make me really inflamed, but tbh it just doesn't? I can eat a burger and be fine. I can eat bagels and be fine. But if I eat movie theater popcorn? 💥 A cheese quesadilla from Chipotle? 💥 So I'm still in the midst of trial and error. I don't really listen to "inflammatory foods" lists online because sometimes I disagree with what they list, based on my own personal experience. I don't really get it, I'm not a nutritionist and I really don't have an interest in nutrition, I just want my legs to stop hurting and right now I'm doing a good job in doing so.

Do you suffer from sciatica?

My biggest tips are:

1. Try to eat healthier. It might be more expensive, BUT it actually might be cheaper, depending on if you order out a lot. Making meals at home might be way cheaper than frequent DoorDash. And you might think "ugh I hate cooking though", well for me: my sciatic pain was being so detrimental that I am absolutely willing to take time to cook if it means I can walk, run, play, and sleep free from pain. I was really sceptical about eating healthy. "It's a spine problem" I thought, "How can my diet possibly help me in that." IDK but it fucking does.
2. Try stretching routines. I really recommend looking up chiropractic videos on sciatica on youtube. My tip for those is really listen when they say "don't stretch too far" or "don't push too much". And when you stretch and you feel the tension/pull, try to relax and breath slowly into it until you don't feel the tension anymore, or it has lessened. I seriously recommend stretching multiple times a day if you can, when you wake up, before you go to sleep, and anytime of the day when you feel tension.
3. If its too painful to stretch, then take anti-inflammatory pain medicine like ibuprofen first. Wait for the pain to subside enough that you can stretch-- the pain doesn't have to be gone completely, if anything having a little bit of tension before stretching can help determine if the stretching itself helps at all in relieving that pain.

Lastly, sciatica-- or any type of chronic pain-- can be very isolating and lonely. It can make you feel completely hopeless about the future. Please don't give up, try your best to reach out to communities who suffer what you suffer; finding relatable people might give you the strength to keep going! I know it did me. Best of luck, I really believe in you.

Cloud has been doing great with temperament lately!

When I walk to the park, there's this kind old man I often sit and chat with. He has his own two dogs (a german shepherd and pit bull terrier), so our three dogs just sit in the grass while we talk, it's very cute. I'd like to draw a sketch of the park and give it to him before I move away, as a thank you gift.

And, we recently had a guest over at our house, and before she's always been a bit hesitant to come over because Cloud barks at her a lot. BUT we tried this trick we recently learned about: She wore one of our coats with our scent, and Cloud warmed up to her immediately this time! He jumped on the couch next to her within 10 minutes!

It's just such a relief that even though he is certainly a Great Pyrenees, and we didn't have him during his puppy year to socialize him properly, he still ended up fairly well behaved. He has his moments but it's great to know he's not like.. doomed to be aggressive!

One day I'll create a page/shrine for him with uploaded pictures.

I'd like to move out into an apartment, but I have a 90 pound Great Pyrenees with me...

I've heard that getting a Canine Great Citizen award for your dog can help sway some landlords into accepting you. The CGC is 10 acts for your dog to follow during an evaluation, and it's often the first step dogs take towards their journey in becoming a therapy dog or service dog. I don't need Cloud to become either of those, but I do think CGC training will give me confidence in his behavior in public places... nothing worse than a big dog acting out! And of course, it will be nice to put on a pet resume (can you believe that's a thing ok...)

I haven't started transitioning yet. BUT I CAN walk you through what's made me realize this is the path I want to take in life.

~ 4 - 9 years old:

As a kid, I was always the tomboy of my sisters. Maybe I felt like it helped separate me from my sisters who were always compared to each other, and maybe at the time I wanted to be more like my older brother.

I had this pair of boxers with wolves on them (picture this but boxers), I loved wearing them because of how they made me feel. I now realize they made me feel like a boy, but at the time I didn't have the emotional intelligence to identify that.

I once tried to pee standing up, which resulted in me standing OVER the toilet (very hard when you have tiny legs) because obviously I can't pee forward!

And I remember sitting on the edge of the bed as a kid looking at a mirror like thinking "I don't feel like a girl. What does that even mean. Do my sisters feel like a girl? When am I going to feel like a girl..." CRAZY.

We had an old family friend who everyone referred to as she/her, but she was so masculine, easily mistaken for a man, and I remember looking up at her and thinking she was glorious. I idolized her! And now that I'm older I can't help but wander, did she even LIKE being referred to as she/her??

~ 10 - 12 years old:

Around fifth/sixth grade, I had a very strained friendship with a boy at school. We were friends, but also rivals, and we hated each other, but also had respect for one another... Very weird. It honestly reminds me of whatever Naruto and Sasuke had going on.

Looking back at this friendship, I genuinely felt like I was under toxic masculinity. I couldn't show weakness or emotional distress, and I had to emphasize my tomboy-ness or else I would be seen as less. He would sit next to me during lunch, but I couldn't address it. Like there was an unspoken rule that even if he liked my presence, we weren't allowed to say it; that wouldn't be tough. Weirdest friendship I have ever fucking had.

Thankfully that only lasted two years, then we moved away.

(Shoutout to that boy's older brother who straight up asked me if I was gay before I even knew what that was <3 aww)

~ 13 - 15 years old:

So flashforward to junior high. This was the time when boys and girls started to develop in puberty. I couldn't be "one of the guys" anymore, my basketball friends grew crushes on me and couldn't treat me casually like before.

At the same time, I started feeling insecure because I wasn't wearing make up or doing my hair like the other girls. So I tried being feminine for a couple years, up till after freshman year... and I HATED IT!! I have NEVER had worse self esteem then when I tried to embrace femininity lol. So I reverted back to punk hoodies and cargo shorts for a few years after that.

Also very "I wish LGBT thing would happen to me": I had a guy friend around this time who definitely liked me when I was a tomboy. And then as I tried being feminine, he stopped liking me. It sucked at the time because I liked him back, but looking back I'm like "wow that guy really liked me as 'Unknowingly Transmasc' me". Sometimes my insecurities seep through and I find myself thinking "no man is going to be interested in me as a trans guy..." I remind myself that it happened once! It can happen again.

~ 18 - 22 years old:

Eventually around 20 years old I cut my hair short. LOVED IT, never regretted for an instant.

At this time I thought "I must be a lesbian" because that's what everyone assumed I was my whole life. Sometimes women don't realize they're gay until well into adulthood, maybe I was the same way! But I felt weird about identifying as one because my attraction still veered towards men. However a few years later I've come to understand that I am panromantic, but only sexually attracted to masculine bodies (be they AFAB or AMAB). I tried sooo hard to get into boobs! I had a soft-core NSFW tumblr blog about women. I watched lingerie hauls on youtube. But alas, boobs just do not do anything for me LOL.

One of the big signals for me was when I always felt shame and insecurity after having a "self-love session". I wondered if it was because I always pictured myself as I was-- a girl. So I thought "Okay. I am going to try imagining myself as a guy this time. Still me, but just a guy version." and suddenly I enjoyed the experience so much more... That was a big flag for me LOL.

~ 23 to present

I now understand that my draw towards masculinity wasn't from a butch lesbian perspective, but rather the perspective of a person who wants to become a man. When I realized that, I cried like 3 times in a span of 20 minutes!

Around 25, my mom told me "You've always been different from your sisters... if you ever want to transition, you can tell me." CLOCKED.

So on my 26th birthday, I came out to my parents. Bless their hearts, they accept me. They still call me by my birth name and use she/her when referring to me-- HOWEVER, I told them when I came out: "I'm not expecting you to suddenly start calling me Joe and only refer to me as a guy. But there will come a day--maybe a year from now, maybe 10 years-- when I look so masculine that you will feel weird referring to me as a woman all on your own. I won't need to do any reminders." So I am patiently waiting for that time to come LOL.

So anyway. That's the prologue to the transitioning. I'm very excited about actually transitioning, although I think I want to take it slow. I've been considering low-dose testosterone to really ease the progression, I'm in no hurry.

However I also am very worried about the climate I'm deciding to do it in (2nd Trump term, for the internet archeologists reading). So I hope this insanity about "anti wokeness" only lasts a couple years... Wish me luck...

Thoughts on today's digital age

Overall, I want to un-digitize my life. I'm looking to invest in analogue objects such as as a flashlight/torch, camera, timer, radio, and DVDs, CDs and tapes for my 2005 car. I want a CRT TV or possibly a projector (no glare on the screen in case my future apartment has inconvenient windows/lighting). I don't want to be so reliant on smart appliances and smart devices that I'm helpless without them. I hate being addicted to my phone (not that I never am), so I do my best to avoid addictive social media like tiktok and others that feature short-videos designed to keep your attention. I want to explore more in the real world around me and go on adventures-- especially now that I can drive. I also want to rely less on technically for critical thinking. I'm pretty average in intelligence, but the older I get, the more I want to sharpen my mind with reading and puzzles. I like to think my way through projects and not rely on AI as an easy out.

"Computers and the programs will start thinking and the people will stop." —Dr. Gibbs, Tron (1982)

I also am against the ruins of technology by capitalism and corporate greed. I don't want to be monitored at all times so that companies (be they a corporation or individuals) can target me with their advertisements. I fully believe that if companies could, they would project subliminal advertisements into our dreams. I don't believe they have any morals. I'm exhausted by "enshittification", digital experiences or physical products. I want to be more thoughtful of purchases I make to avoid enshittification as much as possible. I'm also sick of emotional manipulation and propaganda delivered via algorithms. I want to see through polarizing interactions online. We MUST overcome our reactionary instincts and see the humanity in others, particularly those we are taught are our enemy. I believe our biggest enemy is always and forever: the greedy. They turn bigotry into an industry for their own gains.

Thoughts on today's internet

I love design and front-end web development. I also love personalization and customization. Because of this, my fulfillment in recent years of the internet has been lackluster. I understand accessibility is vital so people with disabilities can still use and enjoy sites. However, I think accessibility is often the excuse for why all main websites all now look exactly. the. same. Streamlining is useful for casual web-surfers who are used to navigation being in certain areas and having certain appearances, but at some point we sacrifice any semblance of artistic expression. I think there is a joy, a dopamine-hit, when surfers see something online that surprises them. I fully believe a website can be accessible while still being fun, unique, and surprising. Whether or not I'm skillful and knowledgeable to achieve that with my own work is another conversation LOL.

I was able to find what I wanted in Tumblr for many years, but ever since 2020 (debatably before then), Tumblr staff has turned their attention to new users who came from mobile apps like Instagram. And so their web-using demographic (shrinking over the years, it feels like) has been left hungry for quality support and features. Tumblr still provides me with fandom art, jokes, and analyses, as well as influencer-free aesthetics, and of course memes. However Neocities fully allows me to express myself through desktop design, is much more flexible and limitless than via Tumblr mobile.

Thoughts on today's… me

I'm running this blog partly to chase my interests, not my friends' interests.

Before, I had multiple friend circles for different aspects of my life. However, since 2020 (I moved right before Covid), I only have one circle of friends. They're wonderful, but I definitely need new people to nourish me in ways they don't. As of writing, we're all around mid-20s to 30, but I feel myself growing apart from them. They really enjoy videogames and pop culture. Me too, of course, but it's kind of all they talk about… I'm realizing as I get older that my special interests are overall something I prefer to indulge privately, or sparingly in public. When I'm out with others, I really enjoy talking about the current situation: maybe we're traveling, or witnessing a natural phenomena, or maybe there's personal drama someone needs to vent. I want to spend that time focusing on the person, not always talking about the newest videogame.

And plus, I just feel like my interests are shifting in general. I'm growing more and more fond of 80s and early 90s media. I grew up watching things like The Story Teller or BBCs Chronicles of Narnia, I'm really used to prosthetics or puppetry-- visual effects my friends think are too cheesy. I'm just tired of listening to my friends talk about Sonic the Hedgehog, tired of pretending I like anime figures. I need friends who laugh when I quote The Goonies, or know what I mean when I call a life-hack a "MacGyverism".

The last thing I'm realizing is drifting me apart from my friends is that… I'm caring more about the environment! My friends follow trends or fast fashion, they never talk about wild animals. I've been watching so many nature documentaries and educational youtube channels lately. I want to make a physical difference in the world when it comes to nature. I want to volunteer at animal shelters or clean up litter. My friends embrace the "we're all doomed whatever" outlook but I refuse! It's not over until I'm dead! So I'm hoping to learn more about how I can get involved.